Rodney Ohebsion

Conspiracy Theories

At some point in our lives, most of us have heard someone ramble on and on about the good old 1950s—a decade of purity, scientific advancement, economic prosperity, rockin’ music, and good, clean fun. But guess what? It’s all a bunch of lies—down to the very root. Because the 50s weren’t anything like what you’ve been led to believe. In fact, they weren’t anything… period. And why? Because they never actually took place at all! The entire decade is merely a giant hoax!

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “What about Happy Days? What about Richie, Potsie, Joanie, Chachi, and Ralphy? And for rock-around-the-clock’s sake, what about Fonzie?!”

Well, I did some digging around, and was able to uncover a secret that will change the way you think about your favorite decade forever.

I first realized something was up when I came across a 1960s sitcom known as the Andy Griffith Show, which features a young actor by the name of Ron Howard--the same actor who played Richie Cunningham on Happy Days. But on Happy Days, Ron was a young teenager in the late 1950s; and on the Andy Griffith Show, he was a young boy in the early 1960s. The numbers weren't adding up. How could Ron be a young teenager in the 50s and a young boy in the 60s?

after a thorough, exhaustive search, I finally came across a CIABC employee (for those of you who don’t know, ABC owns the CIA) who seemed to know something. And after talking to him for a while, I got him to admit to me that the entire Happy Days series was filemd from 1974 to 1984, and not the 1950s!

And why? Because the 50s we all know are made up.

But don’t subtract ten years from your calendar yet—because there’s more. Ten years more, to be exact. What do I mean? A real decade did take place between the 40s and 60s—a decade known (to hardly anyone) as the Lost 50s!

In the early 1900s, Albert Einstein discovered that tiny bits of matter contain massive amounts of energy. By 1945, a group of scientists managed to split atoms and release that energy in the form of an atom bomb. But what you might not know is that one of those scientists developed a “reverse fission” process that binds two split particles into a special “double stuff” atom. At the time, double stuff atoms were thought to be a mere oddity with no practical use. But in (the real) 1954, a scientist by the name of Jim Smith noticed something strange—a subatomic particle that was neither positive, negative, nor neutral. And four years later, while experimenting with the particle—which he termed a ?tron—he managed to split it into two parts, thereby releasing a substance that mysteriously erased 3:04 a.m. on January 3rd, 1901. It took him another three years in the laboratory to pinpoint exactly what had happened—but by 1961, he had ?tron time-erasing down to a science, and was capable of eliminating any period in the past with a single piece of celery.

And that’s when the US government—or more specifically, the CIABC and the FBI—stepped in and decided to erase the 1950s.

But why? Why did they want to get rid of an entire decade? Because the real 50s were awful.

Eager to eliminate any trace of the worst decade in US history, the CIABC jumped on the opportunity to delete all ten years.

The plan, however, was not without its risks. After all, erasing the entire decade would eliminate the very development of ?tron time-erasing—which in turn, would lead to a time paradox that would turn the entire universe into Kool-Aid. A team of scientists would have to set up a reverse hyperlink flux calimariscope time barrier—a tricky and potentially unsuccessful process that requires the extraction of Olsenanium metal from 500 tons of EO ores, and the separation of Olsenanium-105 MK from Olsenanium-108 A using magnetic centrifusional yougotitduditronacity.

But watching Johnny Unitas play soccer was so disturbing that everyone felt it was worth the risk—and on April 5, 1961, the US government successfully managed to erase the 50s without creating so much as a trace of Kool-Aid. (The operation did, however, result in a mini paradox that eliminated channel one, caused Van Gogh to cut off his ear, and turned the Grand Mountain into a gigantic canyon.)

But if the 1950s we all know are fiction, where did they come from? Believe it or not, all ten years are based on a lost work of Hans Christian Anderson.

So does that mean that we don’t need to make any changes to our calendar? No. In fact, we should actually subtract 1945 years from it. And why? Because the real Christ was actually born 1945 years after Jesus—and his name is Henry “Arthur ‘Fonzi’ Fonzarelli” Winkler!!!

That’s right. Arthur Winkler is in fact the Messiah himself—and I can prove it. Read the following Bible quotes, paying special attention to the parts in boldface caps.

“Son of man, say unto her, Thou ART the land that is not cleansed…” (Ezekiel 22:24) “They shall not HURt nor destroy in all my holy mountain…” (Isaiah 65:25) “And there shall come FOrth a rod out of the stem…” (Isaiah 11:1) “I will be his father, and he shall be my soN…” (1 Chr. 17:13) “…shall possess that of the Canaanites, even unto ZAREphath; and the captivity of Jerusalem…” (Obadiah 1:20) “And the LORD wiLL create upon every dwelling place of mount Zion…” (Isaiah 4:5) “I gave my bACk TO the smiteRs, and my cheeks to them that plucked off the hair of HENRY WINKLER, STAR OF TELEVISION’S HAPPY DAYS…” (Isaiah 50:6)

But once again, Happy Days isn't what it appears to be. The same goes for a lot of what you see on TV and in movies. Take Tom Hanks, for instance.

He’s charming, polite, talented, funny. He can act, sing, dance, and play the piano with his feet. Everyone loves him. Even if a movie consisted of him doing nothing other than eating apples for two hours, it would still gross over a $100 million. He could literally take a piss on screen and still manage to be charming and entertaining.

But how? How can one man be so talented and likeable? The answer’s simple (and obvious, if you ask me). What is it? Wait for it… Wait for it… It’s coming… Are you ready? Well here it goes: Tom Hanks doesn’t exist! That’s right. There is no actual Tom Hanks. He’s nothing more than an idea—a creation of a secret society of Venusians.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: If Tom Hanks doesn’t exist, then who's the guy in all of his movies? I’ll tell you. He’s nothing but a product of our minds—down to his dashing smile, beautiful eyes, heavenly hair, and mesmerizing voice. Filmmakers simply roll tape with no one to play Tom Hanks’s role—and we’re the ones who add him.

But how do they get us to add him? They don’t. I never said they do. The Venusians do. And how do they do it? Simple. By sending out Tom Hanks broadband fiber optic data signals through the very air we breathe!

That’s right. In 1922, super inventor Nikola Tesla developed a method of covalently bonding thoughts to oxygen atoms. Realizing that the technology could get into the wrong hands, he decided to keep his discovery a secret and have it die with his own mortal body. But a group of Venusians who had his laboratory under surveillance were able to learn some of the secrets behind the technology, and gradually piece everything together over the next few decades.

By 1980, they created the idea of a super entertainer with unlimited appeal, and used Tesla’s technology to add him to a new television show: ABC’s early 80s sitcom Bosom Buddies—which was originally titled Bosom Buddy, and starred just Peter Scolari as the lead. The show’s producers were stunned when another actor appeared on screen alongside Scolari in the video editing room—but they decided to simply go along with it, and give him the name “Tom Hanks” (an anagram of “Thanks Mo[na Lisa]”—which has absolutely no meaning whatsoever).

As the years passed, the same actor appeared in numerous TV shows and films (including 2000‘s “one man” movie Cast Away, which was actually filmed as two hours of no one doing nothing on an empty island)—and in a span of a couple of decades, the aliens managed to make their creation the highest grossing actor in the history of the universe.

But if Tom Hanks can just appear out of nowhere in a film and turn it into a gigantic hit, then why haven’t filmmakers been rushing to make Tom Hanks movies and benefit from his star power?

They have. I never said they haven’t. In fact, 90% of box office flops are Tom Hanksless Tom Hanks films.

But how do I know all of this? Easy. I played Splash and The Money Pit simultaneously and backwards, and heard a message in Aramaic detailing everything. I then tested the theory by holding my breath while watching Sleepless in Seattle—and lo and behold, Hanks disappeared! Most of the movie turned into Meg Ryan getting emotional for absolutely no reason.

But that leaves one question that has yet to be answered. Why? Why would a group of aliens go to all of that trouble in the first place?

Beats me. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to figure out for the last ten years!

As a responsible conspiracy theorist, I'm willing to admit when I don't know something. Unlike Alex Jones. That guy's insane. Any time something happens, he tells us he knows everything about it. And he sees a conspiracy in everything. He's not like a weatherman. There's no "chance of conspiracy: 90%." No matter what Alex Jones comes across, there's some sort of conspiracy involved. I'd hate to go to Taco Bell with him. The 7 Layer Burrito alone would lead to 1400 conspiracy theories.

Or what about David Icke and his reptoid hypothesis? That guy's even more insane. He's trying to convince us that he world is run by reptilian aliens who are posing as humans. That idea is for people who are bored with ordinary conpspiracy theories. They think to themselves, "Alex Jones isn't enough for me. I want the reptoid hypothesis."

I'm not like Alex Jones or David Icke. I only have 3 conspriracy theories regarding the 7 Layer Burrito. And I don't see a conspiracy in everything. The other day, I was looking at a dozen eggs, and I only suspected a conspiracy in eight of them.

But ask David Icke, and he'll tell you that George Bush is a reptilian alien. What a nutcase.

Let's talk about the Bush family. I’ve heard a lot about them over the years: that they descend from the son of Catwoman and Genghis Khan, that they’re actually half-Martian half-humans who have taken full human form by injecting superdoses of vitamin B12 into their skulls, that they’re part of a 433 billion Bush clan of underground dwellers put in earth a billion years ago by Satan’s second cousin’s second cousin Jimmy, that they’re hiding 99.9% of the world’s oil supply in Jupiter’s fourth moon, that they executed a Saddam Hussein look-alike and are using the real one (who is actually L. Ron Hubbard) as an intergalactic hostage, that they’re actually a group of Native American Islamic Zionists headed by Andrew Dice Clay and Jerry Seinfeld, that George W. voices Moe Szyslak on The Simpsons, that they changed the Christ’s name from Phrabat Somdej Pibulsonggr Chakrabongse Paraminthara to Jesus, that Osama Bin Laden is actually George W.’s long lost brother Benny L. Bush, that they sold San Antonio to Mexico in 1998, that they created the Republican party using a time-traveling talking kangaroo, that they built Dick Cheney out of a 1977 Chevrolet Impala, that they’re the ones who bent space and time, that George W. is George H.W. and George H.W. is Mr. T., that they’re spying on the world through its pipes and toilets, that all UV rays actually come from the forehead of George H.W., that every time a bell rings a Bush kills a Democrat, that they’re from an alternate universe where “tacos” are called “burritos” and vice versa, that George W. is actually thirty three different people—all of whom are both the Christ and the antichrist, that the movie Steel Magnolias is actually based on the opposite of George Sr.’s imaginary life, that Dr. Seuss is actually a Bush family member who devoted his life to brainwashing little children, that global warming is the direct result of a secret Bush “greenhouse” handshake that involves four can openers and a Mitsubishi hubcap, that they secretly communicate with aliens through arts & crafts magazine barcodes, that all four Kiss members are clones of Jeb Bush, that they collect $0.43 and twelve shekels every time someone presses Ctrl+Alt+Delete on a computer keyboard, that they bought and sold James Brown’s soul 443 times in August of 1968, that George Sr. and Mark Fuhrman planted the stain on Monica Lewinsky’s dress, that George Sr. temporarily switched bodies with Joe Montana during the closing minutes of Super Bowl XXIII, that they attempted to change the title of War and Peace to War and War, and that they make up 27% of Kool & The Gang.

And guess what? It’s all true—every word of it.

But once again, the Bushes aren't reptilian aliens. That's ridiculous. Don't listen to David Icke. Listen to me. They're not reptilian aliens. They're Native American Islamic Zionist half-human half-aliens.

As for Obama, his story is a little more complex.

Most of you already know that Barack Obama is a neo-Buddhist dolphin-like blood-sucking tree-eating plutonium-based alien from the pancake-shaped planet Rockabaum333.666. And some of you might know that his mind is being controlled by a computer chip developed and implanted by Vladimir Lenin’s third generation clone Kojo Vanderbilt. And a few of you might know that Vanderbilt’s mind was being controlled by a superintelligent mini giant beaked whale hypnotist genetically engineered by Burt Lancaster. And one or two of you might know that the whale’s mind was being controlled by a chip developed by Barack Obama himself.

But here’s something I’m sure you don’t know: You’re Barack Obama! And I mean that literally. You’re not you! You’re Barack Hussein Obama, 44th President of the United States.

I mean, think about it: You and Barack Obama have never appeared in the same place at the same time. You’ve never been spotted shaking hands, eating tacos together, playing on a see-saw, or square dancing. We’ve either seen you or Barack Obama—but we’ve never seen you and Barack Obama. And why? Because you are Barack Obama. And Obama's being controlled by the computer chip. So don't listen to Obama.

Don't listen to the government at all. Including NASA. I'm on board with the Fuck NASA movement.

The price of RAM is down 99.999999% over the last decade. But the price of energy is increasing. That makes no sense. There's a conspiracy.

"We deserve to know the truth. Aliens have free, clean energy. They have the technology. And NASA's hiding that technology. Because ExxonMobil and some other companies want to continue selling us their bullshit. I got a video of Obama saying he's a Muslim. And an alien. He's an alien Muslim. I got a video of Steven Segal in a tag team match against Obama and Bush. Obama and Bush are tag team partners. Don't listen to the mainstream media. By the way--I'm getting married. You're all invited to the wedding. I said to my girlfriend, 'Gina. Fuck NASA. Will you marry me?' And she said, 'Yes. Fuck NASA.' I just got a camera in my hat. And I'm going to do some counter surveilance. I went to Smurf Village last week--and Papa Smurf and Jokey smurf are hiding the truth from the other Smurfs. They don't want the smurfs to know the truth. I have a list of 205 astronauts who have said that they've seen aliens. And a list of 205 aliens who have said that they've seen energy."

NASA's hiding the truth. Energy should be free and clean. Aliens have the technology, and NASA knows about it. What'll happen when we finally uncover everything, put those aliens on 60 Minutes, and have them tell us about how NASA hid free, clean energy? Someone's going to have a lot of splainin' to do. We should resurrect Ricky Ricardo, and have him say that. "NASA. You've got a lot of splainin' to do." That can be the series finale of I Love Lucy. Ricky Ricardo telling NASA it has a lot of splainin' to do.Technology has advanced. But we're still using gas. And it's $4 a gallon. The government is behind this. Don't trust them.

I don't trust the government when it comes to anything. Especially when they start talking about calcium.

WHy's the government so intent on telling us we need a lot of calcium? Because a bunch of dairy farmers bribed them. I don't trust the government, and I don't trust dairy farmers. Who knows what else the dairy industry is behind? I'll bet the whole war in Libya has something to do with the dairy industry. Those guys will do anything to sell more milk, cheese, yogurt, butter, etc. I can't trust anyone. That's the bottom line here.

And it's not just a case of the government wanting to make bribe money. It goes beyond that. The government is saying that "You need 1000 mg of clacium a day," even though no one's sure how much we need. Because the government wants to convince you that it knows everything. "Of course we have guidelines. We're the government. We know we know everything. You should trust us. 1000 mg of calcium a day."

Bullshit. From now, on I'm not going to have any calcium. I'm going to eat every nutrient but calcium. I don't trust calcium. It's probably a brainwashing agent. They probably added that element to our environment in the first place, because they knew that we'd eat it and that we'd be easily controlled and influenced. That's exactly what's going on right now.

Maybe it's not calcium. Maybe they want us to believe it's calcium. Maybe it's something else. Who knows what it is? It could be Dancing with the Stars, or whatever is popular right now.

Don't listen to the media. And don't listen to Alex Jones or David Icke. Read my books instead.

On August 16, 1977, the worldwide media reported the death of rock n’ roll legend Elvis Presley, the supposed victim of a stopped heart caused by a drug overdose.

Of course, the story didn’t fool many people, and it’s now common knowledge that it was all just one huge hoax.

But what most of us have yet to realize is that the charade was not limited to Elvis’s death. In fact, that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Elvis’s death is nothing compared to the conspiracy of all conspiracies, the King of all Cons, a secret so shocking, so bizarre, so shockingly bizarre, that…. uh… Wait. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Elvis.

Uh... like I was saying, there’s much more to the story than anyone knows—and I’m about to reveal it all, right here, right now, and unleash a flurry of hidden truths that will undoubtedly change the way we see the world, ourselves, and pretty much everything that, uh… Wait. I forgot what I was talking about again. Um… Was it crop circles? No. Uh… how about the Freemasons? No—I don’t think that was it, either. Uh… Oh yeah. Elvis.

Immediately before faking his death in 1977, Elvis approached a little known actor in California, temporarily switched bodies with him, and starred in a major motion picture that became the biggest hit of the entire decade, and caused a new style of music to explode in popularity. The actor was John Travolta. The movie was Saturday Night Fever. And the music was disco—a style developed by Elvis back in 1880 in Thomas Edison’s Menlo Park lab.

How do I know? It’s all in Thomas Edison’s patents:

"The combination, with the phonograph cylinder, shaft, and screw-surface, of a swinging nut or screw-surface, to connect or DISCOnnect the parts that keep the recording or phonet point in position rELelative to the groove of the cylinder, substantially as set forth."

"The object of this inVention IS to record in permanent characters the human voice and other sounds, from which characters such sound may be reproduced and rendered audible again at a future time"

And think about it. Elvis was known as “The King”—and Travolta’s character Tony Manero was a “Disco King.”

Coincidence? Are you kidding me? If you think that’s a coincidence, then I’d like to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge (—which, as we all know, doesn’t really exist). And if you think it’s also a coincidence that Travolta’s hit sitcom Welcome Back Kotter was set in Brooklyn, then you’re just nuts.

You know what?—I’m getting sick of all your crazy coincidence theories. You think that just about everything is a coincidence. And why? Because you’ve been brainwashed to think that way by a group of coincidence theory conspirators led by Elvis himself!

Back in the day, it was pretty easy to keep the masses ignorant and the truth hidden. But with the introduction of the printing press, the Illuminati had to get creative. So in 1564, Elvis, head of the Knights Templar, came up with a way to discredit the truths circulating throughout the world, rather than hiding them the old fashioned way.

But how did he manage to pull off something like that? By convincing people that just about everything is a coincidence. And to this day, billions of people dismiss the truth as mere conspiracy theory crackpot bullshit.

But there’s more. Much more. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you any of it. And why? Because Elvis and his thugs are at my door right now, about to break in and do who knows what to me. Holy smokes! They just knocked the door open. They’re holding a syringe. Uh oh. It must contain Jupiterian mind control serum. Ow! They just injected me!

Um… You know what? Forget everything I just said. Elvis did in fact die in 1977, he didn’t fake his life, and there’s no such thing as a coincidence theory conspiracy.

OK. They're gone. Forget what I just said about forgetting everything I just said. There is in fact a coincidence theory conspiracy. I just put in that last part to throw off Elvis and his people. They injected me with Jupiterian mind control serum--but little did they know that I take Saturnian anti mind control serum every day.

So once again, Elvis faked his death. And his life.

And what about Tupac Shakur? Did he fake his death, too, as some people believe? Or was he killed in a 1996 Las Vegas drive by shooting, like others are convinced?

Yyes and yes. Sort of. Tupac Shakur did in fact fake his own death in 1996—three years after his actual death in 1993, and five years after creating 77 Tupac clones in 1991, all of whom killed the real Tupac.

How do I know? How could you not know!? It’s all spelled out for us just about everywhere on the planet!

Take the phone number 867-5309. The number eight contains two circles—as in 2 Pac. Six is the six in 1996—the year of Tupac’s fake death. Seven has absolutely no significance whatsoever. It’s basically filler—just like the filler on most modern commercial rap albums. In fact, in a way, seven is actually criticism of the sad state of modern day hip-hop. (Damn that Tupac is clever!) Five is the number of years between Tupac’s cloning and his fake death. Three is the number of years between his actual death and his fake death. Zero is the number of Steven Spielberg, George W. Bush, Dave Thomas, and Bob Saget references on his album Me Against the World. And nine is um… uh… let’s see… nine is the seventh number in 867-5309, as in the 7 in 867-5309.

There are Tupac clues all over the place—from Baskin Robbins’ 31 Flavors to Will Rogers’s Route 66. In fact, just about everywhere I look, I see Tupac clues. And I’m really starting to get sick of it! Sometimes I wish that Tupac would just leave me alone. OK—you cloned yourself, died, and faked your death. I get it. I don’t need you to remind me about it a hundred times a day. Just once, I’d like to make a grilled cheese sandwich or watch the Dukes of Hazzard without coming across yet another Tupac clue telling me something I already know.

Let's move on to another bogus part of history.

The media's corrupting us in many ways. Here's one example.

In 2011, actor Richard Gere said that Obama has been doing an “extraordinary job,” and that he'll go down as one of our nation's great Presidents. That statement didn't hurt Gere's acting career one bit. He's still getting awards and starring in big budget films, and Hollywood has shown no willingness to hold anything against him.

Months later, country singer Hank Williams, Jr. compared President Obama's golfing sessions with President Obama to "Hitler playing golf with [Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin] Netanyahu." ESPN responded by firing him and pulling his Monday Night Football theme song from the show.

Because if you open your mouth and say something controversial about a politician, the media will count that as three strikes against you. Unless, of course, you're suggesting we put Obama on Mount Rushmore. After all, he's doing an extraordinary job as our President. What's more extraordinary: the unemployment rate, or the deficit?

Richard Gere, Hank Williams, Jr., and Barack Obama walk into a bar. The bartender says to Obama, "Sir—it's an honor to meet you. If I may, let me serve you our finest drink--our Presidential Scotch. Free of charge. And I'll send a case to the White House." The bartender then turns to Richard Gere, who immediately says, "Obama is the greatest President ever." The bartender offers Gere a glass of Academy Award Scotch. Also free of charge. Finally, the bartender turns to Williams and stares at him. And as soon as Williams opens his mouth, the bartender says, "We don't serve your type around here."

The bar is actually the mainstream media. It loves Obama, it rewards Gere, and it censors Williams.

From now on, any time I see a movie starring Richard Gere, I'm going to play the Monday Night Football Theme Song at full volume on a boombox. Richard Gere--you've just been replaced with Hank Williams, Jr. If your next movie plays in 2,000 theaters, I'll go to every single one with my boombox, like a modern day Johnny Appleseed.

The media has a bias against conservatives. It's not even a liberal bias. It's an anti-conservative bias. And I think that Sarah Palin is a prime example of what's going on. Because every time the media talks about her, it's something negative. They put a negative spin on it. It's always a negative story. Unless you're watching Fox News.

But outside of the media, she obviously has support. Look at the numbers. Plenty of people like her. But most media outlets paint a completely different picture. They make it seem like 95% of the country wants her exiled.

Or just look at what happened in 2004. The media made Bush out to be Satan--and he still won. Explain that one. It's obvious that the media doesn't represent the people.

And even though people like George W. Bush and Sarah Palin have to deal with an anti-conservative media, they still get good numbers. Just imagine what would happen if the media were on Sarah Palin's side, or just if they weren't against her. Imagine how popular she'd be if there were a a Palin-neutral media.

So the media is biased, and I'm pissed off. Should I be pissed off? I don't know. I might not know what I'm talking about, and this might be a bunch of bullshit--but I think it's a pretty good theory.

I'm probably not the first to bring it up in, though. I might not even be in the first million. But I'm going to put it out, anyways. Even though everyone has already done this. That's not going to stop me from doing it. That'a a world tradition. It doesn't matter how many times something has been brought up--you have to bring it up, too.

I hate that. I should delete this right now. How unoriginal is this? I've got to come up with something a little bit more unique. An original angle on this. Maybe it should involve aliens.

Aliens run the media. Aliens are trying to take over Earth. They're not liberals. But they want us to be liberals, because they know if we all become like the typical liberal asshole know-it-all, aliens will easily take over this planet.

If Israel goes down, that's it. The aliens will take over. I'm convinced.

That's part one. I have more to say about this. Let me think of something else. That was a good, original angle though. At least I think so. But I bet it's been done before. The whole "aliens want us to be liberals" thing. It's probably been done. So let me think of something else.

The International House of Pancakes. They're in on this, too. I guarantee that no one has ever explored this angle before. The International House of Pancakes. They want to create a global government. They control the media. They're working with the aliens. Aliens love pancakes. They love pancakes. They want liberals to create a world government. And then they want to take over that government. And eat pancakes.

And then there are words that seem like conspiracies. For instance, dozen.

Who invented the word dozen? When you think about it, we seldom ever need more than a few of something. But we buy a lot of things by the dozen. A dozen donuts, a dozen pens, a dozen bagels, a dozen flowers.

Before we had the word dozen, people often bought ten. We ususaly didn't even need that many. But retailers said, "Ten. We have ten fingers and ten toes. So you need to buy ten of whatever we're selling." That was the marketing angle.

And then some asshole said, "How about we start selling things by the dozen?" No one had ever even heard of a dozen back then. But they started telling people, "Maybe you should get a dozen. Who gives a shit how many fingers you have? Dozen. Buy a dozen."

We used to buy ten instead of five. And now we buy twelve instead of ten. I'll bet the guy who invented dozen gets a percentage of the money from the extra two. Maybe I should invent a word that means fifteen.

I think pickles are also a conspiracy. How come we call pickels "pickles," and not "pickled cucumbers?" Pickled beets are called pickled beets, pickled carrots are called pickled carrots, pickled onions are called pickled onions. But for some reason, pickled cucumbers are just pickles.

I think the cucumber industry is behind that. People used to choose which pickled vegetable they wanted. They usually went with something other than a cucumber. After all, they had hundreds of vegetables to choose from. It wasn't uncommon for people to go to a deli and have a pastrami sandwich with a pickled carrot. But then the cucumber industry said, "From now on, a pickled cucumber is a pickle. If you want a pickled vegetable, don't bother with a pickled carrot or a pickled beet. Just order a pickle and stop wasting everyone's time with the details."

Why don't car manufacturers do the same thing? One of them should introduce a new car model, and just call it a "car."

"Technically, this is a Nissan XT7. But everyone just calls it a car. Just go to your local dealership and ask for a car."

I'm not going along with the conspiracy, though. I call pickled carrots "pickles," and I call pickled cucumbers "pickled cucumbers." Any time I ask for pickles and people give me pickled cucumbers, I say, "What the fuck is this?"

A lot of people think the Pope hired Michaelangelo to paint the celing of the Sistene Chapel. That's not what happened. It was actually a conspiracy. It wasn't the Pope. It was a a bunch of chipractors. They said, "How can we get more Italians to end up with neck pain? I know. You know that Michelangelo characer? You know how he usually paints things you look straight at? How about we have him paint a celing instead? People will spend hours looking up at it. More money for us." The Sistene Chapel Celing Brought ot you by Italian chiropractors.