In our universe, shit either moves or stays still—and we can explain all that shit with certain laws.
It’s all about how forces interact with each other.
If you roll a ball on carpet, it’ll move a little. If you roll a ball on a hardwood floor, it’ll move much more. If you roll a ball on ice, you’re probably a fucking nutcase who has way too much time on his hands. And if it were possible to roll a completely smooth ball on a completely smooth surface in a completely airless environment, the ball would move in that direction forever—unless it hit something else in the way, or the universe disappeared.
When you drop shit, the shit falls.
No shit—right?
Well, did you know that the same force that causes shit to fall also causes the planets to revolve around the sun, and the moon to revolve around the earth?
No—I’m not shitting you!
I realized that shit while I was outside taking a shit one day.
A second after my shit fell, I looked up at the sun and thought—“What if the shit that pulls my shit down also pulls other shit like the moon and earth?”
I then studied that shit for a long time, and determined that all shit pulls other shit—and the bigger the shit and closer the shit, the stronger the pull.
I told a few people about my theory and how I came up with it, and they urged me to change the shit story into one about an apple that fell from a tree.
Can you believe that shit?!
Anyways, I’ll bet some of you are wondering how shit actually pulls other shit through space.
… How should I know?
Ask God. (By the way—He exists. And He-He-He doesn’t exist.)
Anyways, I made some more calculations and figured out all sorts of other shit—for instance, force equals mass times acceleration, for every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction, pressing an elevator button more than once won’t make it come any faster, the Garden of Eden’s apples were actually figs, and the dimensions of Solomon’s Temple form a code that proves Leibniz is full of shit.
And most importantly, I determined that the universe can be understood through laws and calculations.
Now, I suppose some of you might be thinking: “How did you—one man, working on his own—end up discovering so much shit that the rest of the world missed?”
Well, if I have seen further it’s only because everyone else is a dumb shit by standing on the shoulders of giants like Galileo, Copernicus, and Kepler (—but definitely not Aristotle).