The Library: Revised and Condensed
Never do tomorrow what you can make someone else do today
You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. You can’t eat your cake and then not poo.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’ll freakin’ kill you.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t get your husband to leave the toilet seat down.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating. The proof of the eating is in the toilet.
Honesty is a policy. I wouldn’t say it’s the best one, but it’s definitely in the top two.
Variety is the spice of life. Variety is the spice of life. Variety is the spice of life. Variety is the spice of life.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Unless the basket is mine.
Actions speak louder than words. And money’s so loud that it won’t even let you hear yourself think.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. But it might not be. Which is exactly why you should buy my course Earn a Million Dollars, Lose 35 Pounds, and Find Your Soul Mate in 6 Days.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law. The other tenth is owned by Disney.
The enemy of his enemy is his friend. The friend of his friend is his enemy. You got that? OK. Now good luck trying to make a seating chart.
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man miss a lot of good TV shows.
A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted twenty years of his life. Not to mention the fact that he doesn't know how to subtract.