Steve: If your idea of a good time is sitting around for two hours just to see a vagina for half a second, then you’re probably my long lost twin—because I fucking loved this movie! Four stars, two lips, and one dick up
Reginald: I was on the edge of my seat the entire time—largely due to the fact that I had my ass tattooed the previous night. And believe it or not, taking a needle to my ass was less painful than watching this fucking filth—because at least I knew there was some sort of purpose to the pain. One star
Reginald: The greatest anything ever—and yes, that includes Jesus and Tom Brady. Four stars
Steve: If you like fart jokes, this might not be your cup of tea. If you like tea jokes, this might not be your cup of fart. One star
Jack: It does what it sets out to do: bore the shit out of you. No stars, no moons—just a blank black sky
Bill: They don’t make them like they used to. Nowadays, they actually try to make them entertaining. One star
Reginald: If you didn’t like this movie, there’s definitely something wrong with you. And if you did like this movie, I’d say there’s still a pretty good chance something’s wrong with you. In fact, if I had my way, you’d never watch another fucking movie again for the rest of your life, you tasteless, vulgar, narrow-minded, piece of shit motherfucker! Four stars
Jack: Flawless cinematography, lawless luciatology, wankworthy winnebagotics, and yamahamic hamayamics. Unfortunately, I have no idea what any of those words mean. Two stars
Steve: Let me start off by saying that this isn’t a movie about a guy who dies during sex. And let me finish off by saying that aside from the lack of people dying during sex, it fucking rocked! Four stars
Reginald: You haven’t lived until you’ve seen anything other than this film. One star
Carl: I found it to be a nonstop rollercoaster—and I mean that in the absolute worst way possible. I alternated between wanting to vomit and wanting to kill myself. One star
Reginald: Brilliant! So brilliant, in fact, that I have no fucking idea what it was about. Four stars
Jack: I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a romantic comedy. Aside from that, there’s really not much I can say about it. ? stars
Steve: Half of the time, I didn’t know what the fuck was going on—and the other half of the time, I wished I didn’t know what was going on. One star
Sharon: I walked out of the theater thinking, “I never want to think about that movie again.” One star
Erin BrockovichLance: It made me think of the Constitution-particularly the part about cruel and unusual punishment. One thumb down, one gun in my mouth
Reginald: Essentially a remake of The Care Bears Movie (minus the bears and the caring), The Godfather contains all the essential components of a true masterpiece: dialogue, length, width, Italians, people getting angry, toilets, a title, credits, a horse head, and an ending. Four stars
Thomas: I’m confused. Was I supposed to root for or against the fat Italian guy? Two stars
Steve: People actually watch this shit? One star
Jack: Back in the old days, movies had meaning, depth, and actual storylines. Thank God those days are over. One star
GreaseAt the bare minimum, you have to admit that this movie is pretty educational. I mean, before seeing it, I had no idea that all 1950s high school students were in their thirties.
Steve: This movie only proves one thing: John Travolta is God. Four stars
Sharon: If you like Mel Gibson’s butt and chest, you’ll love this movie. If you love Mel Gibson’s butt and chest, you’ll orgasm during this movie. Oh yeah—it also had a plot and some action scenes. Four stars, two cheeks
Steve: I have to admit, that Mel Gibson sure does have a nice butt. Uh… I mean, a lot of people died, and uh, I was real happy about it. Three stars—but none for Mel Gibson’s butt. In fact, I’ll give Mel Gibson’s butt negative one star—giving the movie a total of two stars. Make that one star. Four stars for all the killing, and negative three stars for Mel Gibson’s butt. … I’m not gay!
Reginald: Brilliant! So brilliant, in fact, that I fell asleep forty five minute into it. Four stars
Steve: I wish I got lost on the way to the theater. One star
Gordon: If you love movies that move along as slowly as an old, wounded, constipated turtle taking a leisurely stroll on the beach, you’ll still find this one as dull as shit. One star
Steve: It lacked a plot, it lacked realism, it lacked Elmer Fudd references, and it lacked order—and I was fine with all of that. But I found the lack of nudity to be completely unacceptable! Two stars
Reginald: If the Royale with Cheese is actually a metaphor for man’s struggle to overcome the mass production programming of society, then this is the hands down greatest movie of all time. If not, then this is the stupidest fucking shit in the history of stupid fucking shit. One or four stars
Gordon: Brilliant, innovative, deep, meaningful, and clever. Take the opposite of all of those words, and you’ll be left with a pretty good description of this movie. One star
Sharon: I’m not really into sports—but I am into sweaty, shirtless men. Three stars
Thomas: I’m confused. Was I supposed to root for Rocky or Apollo? Two stars
Jack: I damn near ejaculated when I heard the theme music. Four stars and four hundred millions sperm cells
Reginald: The single most overrated piece of trash in the history of cinema (—aside from the other 5,455 movies I’ve called the single most overrated piece of trash in the history of cinema).
Jack: Calling Scarface a “movie” is like calling vaginal intercourse an “activity.” Four stars
Reginald: I normally don’t care much for super bullshit, over-the-top, death-a-minute action films—but as far as they go, this one was FUCKING AWFUL!!! One star
Sharon: Just an excuse to show sweaty, shirtless men. Four stars
Steve: Too many commandments, not enough sex. One star
Heath: Reminds of the titanic crap I took last week. One star
Jack: I laughed, I cried, I masturbated, I took a nap, I masturbated again, and then I got arrested for indecent exposure. All in all I’d say it was a pretty fun night—although I’m not so sure my wife felt the same way. But hey—I was an open book when we dated, and she knew exactly what she was getting into. If she wanted one of those men who is unwilling to masturbate in public, she should’ve spent more time at church, and less time getting piss drunk at some local bar frequented by people like me. Three stars
Steve: I’m not so sure there’s much to say about this one. A guy pursues a girl on a ship, we see a couple of seconds of nudity, and then the ship sinks. Maybe if they extended the nude scene to 190 minutes and covered everything else in five, it would’ve been pretty good (and not nearly as expensive)—but as it is, it focuses a bit too much on its plot and characters. Two stars
Steve: A feel good romantic comedy that made me feel like vomiting. One star and three hundred chunks up
Sharon: This used to be my favorite movie of all time—until it made me realize how fucking dull and unromantic my own marriage is. One star
Jack: A word of advice: If your girlfriend drags you to this one, bring along a pair of earplugs and binoculars, stick the former in your ears, and keep the latter on Meg Ryan’s ass the entire time—because that’s the only way you’re going to be able to get through this movie without slitting your fucking throat. One star