60 Minutes
Benny: If you’re looking to kill sixty minutes, watch something else. Preferably something with nudity. One star
Ralph: A blatant rip-off of An Hour. Two stars
Dancing with the Stars
Benny: It’s like Soul Train, minus everything that made Soul Train fun, and plus a half dozen publicity-starved celebrities. Two stars
Christine: What’s next? Skeet shooting with the cast of Small Wonder? One star
Desperate Housewives
Christine: This show is a damn near carbon copy of my life—except for the sex, drama, money, mystery, plot twists, fun, and edible food. Four stars
Entourage
Joe: This show is a damn near carbon copy of my life—aside from the fact that I’m serving twenty five to life in a Mexican prison. Four stars
Ralph: One of only three shows that makes me want to become a Jewish entertainment agent. Four stars
Family Feud
Benny: Makes me long for the good old days when celebrities could molest women on TV without getting sued. Four stars
Full House
Christine: If you don’t vomit at least twice during each episode, you have some serious emotional problems. Two stars
The Jerry Springer Show
Leave it to Beaver
Jim: Good, clean American fun at its absolute finest. Except for the time Eddie Haskell brought home an unconscious prostitute. Four stars
The Oprah Winfrey Show
Sandra: She told me to read a book—so I read it. She told me to vote for Obama—and I did. She told me to lose twenty pounds—so I lost them. She told me to embezzle $3 million from PETA—and I followed her orders. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Four stars
Sanford and Son
Christine: Isn’t Sanford’s son also Sanford? Two stars
Sandra: You betta watch it, sucka! Four stars
The Simpsons
Fred: I don’t get it. Why is her hair blue? Two stars
Three’s Company
Benny: Take a ridiculous premise, add some ridiculous misunderstandings, throw in a few ridiculous characters, and whadaya got? The greatest show in human history. Four stars
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Benny: The most original show since Jeopardy, Win Ben Stein’s Money, Mastermind, The 64,000 Question, Winner Take All, and Take it or Leave It. One star