Before I get started, let me just say that you should be reading this in Arabic, and only Arabic.
If this text isn't in Arabic, you might as well be reading a blank piece of paper.
You got that?
OK.
Now, allow me to introduce myself.
I’m God—the Most Gracious and Merciful, the Most Merciful and Gracious, the Master of the Day of Judgment, the Master of the Day of Groundhog, the Being High and Holy, the Ayaholy Moly, the Decider of All Fates and Point Spreads, the Award Winning Director of the Creation and the Flood, the CEO Who Sees and Knows, and the… uh… you get the point.
I am to the universe what the Jews are to the media—in other words, I pretty much run it from top to bottom. (The only thing I don’t control is the media itself—which only goes to show you what a stranglehold Mr. Redstone Rothstein and Company have on it.)
I created the universe.
And I revealed a revelation for man to revere and revel in.
I revealed my way to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Jesus, and a bunch of other guys with beards.
But before I go on, let me make this 100% clear: I’m not Jesus.
I mean, think about it: Do you honestly believe I’d make my one appearance on earth as long-haired sandal-wearing Jewish carpenter?
Get real!
I mean, that is so not my style.
If I were to come down to earth, it would be in the form of someone like Jack Palance, or a combination of Alex Keaton and Marty McFly.
I sent Jesus to spread my message to mankind—but like a game of telephone, you corrupted his Gospel and turned it into some hippie religion.
And those who say Jesus is the Son of God are sons of you know what in my book.
O you who believe!
Believe this: Believers who believe in what they ought to believe should believe me when I tell them that believing in me will cause them to believe that believing in me is the only belief that they ought to be willing to believe is worth believing.
Behold, the only religion in my sight starts with an I and ends in an M—and I’m not talking about indosmokism.
I’m the one to worship, and I’m the one to seek.
I sent my religion to mankind through my Messenger—and now it’s up to you to obey Him and submit to Me.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “What’s in it for me?”
Well, if you follow my way, you’ll get what’s behind Door One, but if you follow my competitors’ ways, you’ll get what’s behind Door Two.
Or you can just take a million dollars right now.
What?
You want the money?
Well—you just failed my test, you money loving infidel.
Believers who follow my way will end up in Heaven, while unbelievers who abandon my way will suffer in a Hell I prepared while constipated and paying my income taxes.
What’s Hell like?
Well, imagine yourself in Hawaii, eating fresh pineapple, and living with the girl or guy of your dreams.
Hell is pretty much like that—except Hawaii is Detroit, the pineapple is sour chunky goat milk, and your dream girl or guy is a gorilla giving you a root canal.
And that’s the Heaven part of Hell.
In the Hell part of Hell, Detroit is Iran, the sour chunky goat milk is stored in a donkey’s anus, and the gorilla thinks you slept with his wife.
On the plus side, however, you’ll get to meet a lot of interesting people—like Alexander the Overrated (better known as Alexander the Great to you), Genghis Khan, Napoleon, and the Jews behind your favorite movies and TV shows.
But all in all, you’re not going to have a very good time.
And you can check your watch all you want—but you won’t be going anywhere.
Heaven, on the other hand, is kind of like a water park with a seventy two to one female to male ratio.
Unless you’re a homosexual male, in which case there will be a seventy two to one male to male ratio.
Or, wait a second—if you’re a homosexual, you can pretty much forget about going to Heaven. Unless you happen to be perfect in just about every other way.
(By the way—women don’t really count)
Let me show you how it works.
I judge everyone on a 1 to 10 scale—1 being a homosexual Satan-worshiping prime minister of Israel, and 10 being the opposite of a homosexual Satan-worshiping prime minister of Israel
Praying five times a day counts for one point, yelling “Death to America” five times a day counts for one point, avoiding gay sex counts for two points, believing in me counts for five points, refusing to acknowledge the existence of Israel counts for 0.9 points, and being a good person counts for 0.1 points.
Ten points can be redeemed for one entry to Heaven and one backstage pass.
Nine points will get you just the pass to Heaven.
Eight points are good for a ticket to Heaven’s Eternal Waiting Room.
Seven points buys a ticket to Slightly Worse Than Neutral Land, as well as a timeshare that will entitle you to three weeks in Heaven per year. (Keep in mind, however, that a year in the afterworld is 52,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 weeks long.)
Six points can be redeemed for a pass to Slightly Worse Than Neutral Land, and an afterlifetime subscription to the Jewish Journal.
Five points will get you into Hell’s Heaven.
Four points will get you into Hell’s Wyoming.
Three points are good for a pass to Hell’s Hell, along with a solar powered pocket fan (3200 year warranty included).
Two points buys entry into Hell’s Hell’s Hell, and a T-shirt that says: “I’m a complete piece of garbage—and all I have to show for it is this T-shirt, two horns, and a hell of a full body suntan.”
One point can be redeemed for just the pass to Hell’s Hell’s Hell.
And if you don’t have any points, I’ll reincarnate you as a typical Saudi Arabian housewife. (And if you somehow end up with negative points, you’ll also be engaged before you’re even born, married by age two, and pregnant with your sixteenth child before your fifteenth birthday.)
And don’t think you can con me into giving you points you don’t deserve.
Don’t be like one of those people who says “I believe” without meaning it.
As far as I’m concerned, those people can go to hell.
In fact, they will go to hell.
That’s how serious I am.
And know this: I know everything.
Really.
Test me.
Ask me some questions.
What’s the capital of Texas?
Austin.
What’s the square root of 2?
1.4142135623730950488016887242096980785696718753769480731766797379907324784621070388503875343276415727350138462309122970249248360558507372126441214970999358314132226659275055927557999505011527820605714701095599716059702745345968620147285174186408891986095523292304843087143214508397626036279952514079896872533965463318088296406206152583523950547457502877599617298355752203375318570113543746034084988471603868999706990048150305440277903164542478230684929369186215805784631115966687130130156185689872372352885092648612494977154218334204285686060146824720771435854874155657069677653720226485447015858801620758474922657226002085584466521458398893944370926591800311388246468157082630100594858704003186480342194897278290641045072636881313739855256117322040245091227700226941127573627280495738108967504018369868368450725799364729060762996941380475654823728997180326802474420629269124859.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
1.4142135623730950488016887242096980785696718753769480731766797379907324784621070388503875343276415727350138462309122970249248360558507372126441214970999358314132226659275055927557999505011527820605714701095599716059702745345968620147285174186408891986095523292304843087143214508397626036279952514079896872533965463318088296406206152583523950547457502877599617298355752203375318570113543746034084988471603868999706990048150305440277903164542478230684929369186215805784631115966687130130156185689872372352885092648612494977154218334204285686060146824720771435854874155657069677653720226485447015858801620758474922657226002085584466521458398893944370926591800311388246468157082630100594858704003186480342194897278290641045072636881313739855256117322040245091227700226941127573627280495738108967504018369868368450725799364729060762996941380475654823728997180326802474420629269124859 pounds per minute.
Did OJ do it?
No—he was framed by the apple juice industry.
Is the universe expanding?
No—it only appears that way because the non-universe is contracting.
What came first—the chicken or the egg?
It was a tie.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s there to hear it, does it really make a sound?
Yes—and it sounds kind of like one hand clapping
What’s the sound of one hand clapping?
It’s kind of like the opposite of the opposite of one hand clapping.
What’s at the end of the universe?
San Salvador Island.
Have I always existed?
No, I have.
Why did I create the universe?
God told me to.
Why did God tell me to?
Because God told Him to.
Can I create an object so heavy that even I can’t lift it?
Not only can I create it, I can lift it an infinite number times.
I’m telling you—I really know everything.
I even know what you’re thinking
Here—I’ll show you.
Think of a number between 1 and 10.
Multiply it by 9.
Add the new number’s digits together.
Subtract 5
Convert the result to its corresponding letter in the alphabet (1=A, 2=B, 3=C, 4=D, etc.)
Think of a country that begins with your letter.
Think of a land animal that begins with the second letter of that country’s name.
And think of that animal playing dominoes in the country from the last step.
OK.
I’m going to read your mind now.
Drum roll, please. …
OK.
You’re thinking of a cat in Ecuador!
No?
How about a goat in Egypt?
No?
Um… a lion in El Salvador?
Well—if you’re thinking of an elephant in Denmark, you must’ve made a math error. (And if you’re thinking of an ox in the Dominican Republic, odds are you’re way too obsessed with Albert Pujols.)
People who aren’t completely ignorant seek My guidance and devote their lives to submitting to Me.
But those communist bastards who see my wondrous creation and claim that there is no God—they corrupt others, and really piss me off in the process (wink, wink—Richard Dawkins)
Now, there are some people who say, “We won’t believe in God without seeing some evidence first.”
You want evidence?
OK.
Look outside.
Do you see a universe?
Well there you go.
The universe is evidence of My reality and power.
What?
You want more evidence?
OK.
I’m going to make you blink.
… There.
Did you see that?
Are you satisfied now?
No?
Well, my next proof involves killing you—so I think you better just call it quits right now.
I created mankind.
And now it’s up to you to follow my way.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “You’re the one who made me—so everything I do is ultimately your doing.”
Well, I beg to differ.
(Actually, I’m God—I don’t need to beg. I just differ.)
Why?
Because I gave you the power to make decisions.
A long time ago, I told the angels, “I’m giving man free will.”
And they said, “Maybe you should think this through.”
And I told Adam, “Don’t go near that tree.”
And what did he do?
Well—I don’t want to spoil Genesis for you, but let’s just say…
On second thought, I do want to spoil Genesis for you—because you really shouldn’t be reading that Jew-corrupted nonsense.
Adam ate the apple.
But Abraham used his mind to turn towards Me and receive my message.
Most other people, however, use their minds on vain pursuits and activities, like deciphering the Da Vinci code, and working on those freakin’ Sudoku puzzles.
And on the Last Day, a lot of crazy stuff is going to happen.
I’ll send down an earthquake and reveal all secrets, and you’ll be accountable for the good and evil you have done.
I’ll even make you accountable for the good and evil you merely intended to do.
And I’ll even make you accountable for the good and evil you wanted others to do—like the time you were hoping someone else would beat the crap out of the people responsible for those Muhammad cartoons. (By the way—that falls under the “good” category).
Oh yeah.
One more thing.
I’m going to put a few trillion dollars worth of oil under your land.
Whatever you do, don’t sign any deals with the British.